Been quite sensitive of late and I am tired but somehow I refuse to give up (Could it be You urging me on?) I just hope to see this period through and well. I leave it in Your hands. Continue to remind everyday that nothing is impossible when You are concerned and that Your grace is sufficient for me.

Fear of the future.

Its strange how while reading a case study on Gillette, the thought of growing up suddenly scares me. So irrelevant.  All of a sudden, growing up doesn't seem that "fun" or something worth looking forward towards. Its so scary. You become more aware of your surroundings, you have more cares to face and the fear that as you age, the people around you are as well and there is that one "fine" day where they will leave.

What have I done so far in my life? Have I really lived the life I am meant to live? How is tomorrow, one week, one month and one year from now gonna be? Will I change into someone that I myself cannot recognise? What will I be doing or what should I be doing? Its all a one big question mark. How far can I plan ahead? and we all jolly well know that having plans never actually work because of all the changes that will happen along the way.

Somehow I am just so paralysed by all these fears that aren't suppose to be all that important right now. Talking about taking one step at a time. Sheesh. On one hand, I know that I have been blessed beyond measures and I shouldn't be worried about what is to come, but... Sigh.



Maybe what I fear most is emptiness, failure and the lack of a fulfilling live. Really? Don't even exactly know what or why I am feeling the way I do right now.

You put the light - Brandon Heath

This spark is shot to the heart
You are the hope that leads me out of the dark
You let Your love shine down
So that the world could see
You put the light in me

Somehow death seems scarier when you're not the "victim" but someone you love dearly.
Whatever decision you make, may it be blessed by the almighty.

no matter what, you got to hang in there, you hear me??!??! :(

I wish I could hug you and tell you things will be alright
But deep down inside I'm all confused and afraid.
Confuse as to how to talk to you
and Afraid that you will leave me so soon.

All I could do now is to pray and cry to myself from afar
I really wished things are gonna be okay.
I know you will have to leave someday
but I wasn't expecting it to be so sudden.

I want to talk to you
but I know even before I start, tears will just flow.
I guess I just don't tell you enough
How much you mean to me and how much I love you.

You were like a mum to me
A friend who I can talk to and be comfortable with.
I don't want to to lose you
because I don't know how to deal with it.

I tell myself its for the better if you really needed to go
but I cant convince my heart and mind to accept that
I really hope you'll be alright
Because if you do leave, I really don't know how I'll deal with it
I really have no clue how to.

Maybe denial will help me for now...

God, if you hear my cries
Please make everything alright.

Sitting on the sofa in the living room and starring out of the window, I see families with their dog(s) taking a walk/jog in the park and somehow I start to envision my future. The simplicity of taking a stroll in the park with your loved ones that will bring nothing but immense joy.

Until I find out what I'm really meant to pursue and do with this one shot in life, I hope I'll learn to treasure each opportunities that comes and to do my best each day.

What dreams and faith can do

It was such a pleasant walk back from school today. It seems as though God was speaking to me.. I was thinking a few days about getting a Phd (far fetch dream) and I kind of have a different view on it now. I used to think it was pointless and useless to prove your worth and abilities with a cert. I thought it was highly unnecessary because so long you're dilligent and strive to do your best, you'll get there someday. However, society is changing. Self worth=qualification. Nothing else matters besides qualification. You may think I wanna prove my self worth by thinking about attaining a PHD but NO. To change the perception of individuals and to get them to listen to you and to add some credentials to your words, PHD is vital. Afterall, credibility is everything now. To make a difference, you have to be credible

Getting a PHD is not about proving how smart you are, Its about using it to best serve society and to make a difference. Talking about it, I'm kind of feeling excited. Obviously, I wont lie and say that having a "Dr. added to your name is something that I wouldn't be looking forward too. Talk is cheap and the road towards attaining it is difficult, filled with lots of obstacles and hurdles. For one, I'm not born a genius neither am I some gifted kid. I've always struggled with academic and still am. Always struggled with writing and expression and still am but all these doesn't matter. Its the process that consist of all these flaws that will help you get where you wanna be. Its a learning experience. I"ll get there someday and if I ever lose faith, I hope that the song(What faith can do-Kurtless) will inspire me to strive on and move forward.

What faith can do -Kurtless

Everybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is not a word
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much moreThan what your eyes are seeing
You will find your way
If you keep believing
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!
I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do
That's what faith can do!
Even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

"To be first, You have to be last, You have to be humble, You have to be less judging." Finally understood this today.

Hopefully, this is not some random, insane thought of mine. I hope this dream of mine(for now even though I'm feeling strongly about it) will become a reality one fine day.
Nevertheless, ONE STEP AT A TIME! :)

Its been so long since I wrote here but its always a good place to relieve some stresss. Stress level is really bursting through the roof right now. 2 essays due one after another and here I am feeeling so darn stress that its affecting my progresss. who have I to blame?

Fighting the battle against myself alone and even if people would like to help, there is no way they can help. I just hope i dont sink way down. Even if i dont reach shore, i hope i could tread enough to keep my head up.

Goodbye

I guess no matter how many goodbyes i'm exposed to or have been exposed to, I can never be fully numb to the feeling of goodbye. It sucks but that's life.

come to think of it, you knew just what i needed to push me and see me through this coming 2 weeks before the break. Though this stomach of mine is giving me problems, causing me to tire easily and have tensional headaches,you gave me something to motivate me to go on. For that, I thank You. Couldnt have done it without You.

Its been a long while since i've written a post here but today, its a day worth remembering because of the sacrament of reconciliation. Today's confession was different. I was telling myself while waiting for confession: "if you're not gonna do anything about it after you go, then whats the point of going?". Despite that, i went on with it and it felt good. I liken it to having a bath- feeling clean and recharge. You wouldnt know or you can't determine what will happen after but as long as I keep working at it, i think i will get somewhere. Its tough, really but i would like to think i can do it and will make it someday.

This very night, I miss Singapore a lot. The place, my family, my friends.. Don't know why the sudden feeling though. It could be i'm overwhelmed by a few things that have happened lately and there isnt really people you could turn to. Feeling alone right now. Its a passing feeling but for now, it sucks.

maybe maybe.. I'm nothing

Made it through

Yesterday marks the day where I ended my journey at Trinity College. Indeed the passage of time have brought me much disappointments and great joy. More of great joy I would say. I started the journey with a bunch of friends but ended it with another. Many things happen along the way- a new housenate whom I slowly grew fond of, a close friend leaving Melbourne due to some health complication, started hanging out with a bunch of people I never thought I would and celebrating my birthday(well, about 2 weeks in advance) with that bunch of people. Nonetheless, it was an awesome journey (whcih i wouldnt exchange for anything) despite all the ups and downs and now that everyone is leaving, I'm definitely feeling something. A sense of loss I would say.. but thank God for memories and for photos to remind me of all of these. I thank God as well for seeing me through this whole one year of Trinity and for blessing and guiding me in ways I wouldnt have known.

On an entirely different note, I've been wondering if I actually mean something to the people around me. I've been doubting, but not anymore.

really need your grace and help to run this last lap.. Its starting to sink in that I'm still lagging. 2 more weeks! Focus Pearl. Focus!

when you give Lord, you really give in abundance! :) Last lap. Help me to stay focus and do what I need to do.

ME??!! Are you Kidding?

If my previous post was unexpected. This will be out of the world. :))) Its been a long while since I felt extremely happy to the point of shock and well, almost tears. Tears of joy I will say. When I first heard the news told by Kelly, it was really a mix feeling of joy, shock, surprise, estacy and many others all into one. Of course the thought that God is behind all these came to my mind too. I believe my facial expressions says it all when the news was revealed.

As the news slowly sink into my system, I was confronted with thoughts of -why me?? Do I really deserve it?? It is a humbling experience. I've fianlly experience the saying that with God all things are possible. God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies those he call. Whatever it is, I'm REALLY thankful and grateful for this chance and honour given to me. Whatever happens the next 1 month, I just hope that I will be able to face the challenges and obstacles with much faith and trust in God. :)