Last day of Year 2010

And so, today marks the end of year 2010 with year 2011 just a couple of hours away. It has definitely been an easier year as compared to last and I'm thankful for all the people who had journeyed through 2010 with me and for all the new friends that I've made.

The year started out with me working at a childcare centre followed by a 23 days trip to Melbourne for a holiday and the terrifying A level results. Upon my return, I remember struggling with several decisions and the path that I should take.. With God's intervention and blessing, I found myself back in Melbourne again but this time for studies. I remember  my last 2 months in Singapore before leaving for Melbourne was a rather hectic one. Trying to meet as many people as I can and also, trying to spend more time with family and friend(s) that truely matter to me. It was a mad rush. 23rd June saw me leaving Singapore for Melbourne and it was quite an experience. Something which I hope not to experience again. and so from the 24th June till the 20Dec, my days were spent in Melbourne. Throughout my stay there, God has been really watching over me, sending angels from both far and near to make my stay away from home and loved ones an eaiser one...

There are so many people to be thankful for and I believe that they know my thoughts towards them since I express it so very often. I'm lazy to write further but I just wanna say that whatever happens in year 2011, I know I have people who I can rely on and a God who hears and never forsake.

Dear Cheryl...

If you see this, Just wanna say thank you for everything since I've known you and Thank you for your friendship! :)

Thankful.

I'M BACK HOME, LORD!!! :) Thanks for the safe flight back! It was rather turbulant though.
and yes, Lord. Results are out! I did fairly well!! Thank you for seeing me through term 2. Help me to work harder to achieve my goal, Lord. I know I can with your help and grace. For now, it is time to sleep.
Goodnight, Lord.

Last day in Melb for Year 2010

Dear God,

Today is the last day I'll be spending my day in Melb for the year 2010. Its been an exciting and wonderful year here, Lord. Thank you for watching over me and for keeping me safe and sound. Thank you for your constant companion and for the many blessings which you have bestowed upon me. I'll be heading home later in a bit. Keep me safe! I know you willl.

YOU ROCK, LORD!

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GODDDDDDDDDDD!!! EXAMS OVER!!!!
Psych went better than I expected it to be. I leave the results in your hands. I went in knowing that I have done my best and what I could. so the rest is yours to take care of. :) but now... instead of packing excitedly and happily, I'm super tired and drained.

Results will be out in a few days time I think. Give me the grace and courage to accept the results and to strive to work harder next Sem!
I love you, Lord! :)

Sigh. Not in the best of mood to study for Psych now, Lord. Its too draggy. I'm quite drained. I fear I'm survivng on the little that is left of my stamina. please refill it. I really need it.

Thank you God for seeing me through today's paper. It was a real tricky one I must say. I leave the results in your hands. The ball is in your court. 1 down, 1 more to go!

Though I've 2 more papers to go and Christmas is about 13 days more, the thought of being with family and friends to celebrate the birth of Jesus is enough to see me through this coming week, I hope. I just need to hang in there for about 5 days more! Come on, Pearl! 5 more days. 5 more days and 3 days of shopping and feasting before you head home!

sometime next week, I know this will be my status: Its nice to wake up with the thought that you have nothing to worry about except getting home and spending time with your love ones.
BUT
for now.. this shall be my status: Hang in there, give it your best. just 2 more to go.

Whats done, done. Just look forward. You can't retrieve what is loss especially time.

A Protected Pearl

Looking back and reflecting at the stuff that were said during the coversation I had with my dad yesterday, I'm starting to believe that whatever he said of me is true. I'm a pampered child. Not in the sense that they offer me lots of material wealth and riches but pampered in the sense that they are ALWAYS there for me, protecting me and certainly ready to offend practically anyone who inflicts any pressure/stress on me. As such, I'm one who cannot handle stress/ pressure very well. To them, I'm a priceless and precious Pearl. A princes in their eyes. Fr Andrew Wong once mentioned during mass in front of the whole congregation that I'm the apple of my parent's eyes. Though embarrassing to see heads turning and starring towards my direction, I know what he said was undeniably 100% factual.

Now that I'm growing up, I realised that though I'm independent in most ways, I'm very depedent on them when situations are getting too much for me to handle or be in control of. My easily excitable/worried dad WILL always come to my rescue. He is like the Oyster protecting the Pearl(me) from the outside world. Though exposed, I'm always within my comfort zone. He mentioned over the course of the conversation that what he feared most about me being here alone is me not being able to handle pressure and stress properly and for not standing up and saying that I can't take it anymore till the last minute when situation/things do get really out of control. It's a flaw that I have and people who knows me well enough will know that I'm such. I'm a person who is known to formulate my sentences in the interest of the other person, taking into consideration their feelings/thoughts if I do express myself to them in a certain manner. I'm afraid to offend people and VERY much afraid to hurt their feelings which in turn explain why I put myself out to get hurt easily. I subject myself to deal with pain/fear/problems alone, always thinking that it is in the best interest for the other party. In that sense, I neglect my own feelings and emotions for the other person.

Call it a character trait or flaw but ultimately thats who I am. A highly sensitive person to the needs and demands of others but a sucker when it comes to my own feelings and needs. I love myself for being who I am but at the same time, I'm starting to hate it because I feel i've had enough of it though I know i wouldn't change and if I do, the change will be negligible. I've a love-hate relationship going on within me.

I've Had Enough

I'VE HAD ENOUGH! I NEVER FELT SO PRESSURISED AND STRESSED UP IN 2 DAYS IN A ROW IN MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE(Besides Last year).
I wish to tell you this. I've had enough for now. I need to study and being so traumatise each and everyday is not gonna help me with my studies.. I dont need this unnecessay stress. I dont. and I dont derserve it.

You can't expect a beginner to do well and you keep reminding me that I'm one. SO WHY PUT ME UNDER SO MUCH PRESSURE AND STRESS??\
When accidents happen, no one is gonna blame you but everyone is gonna point fingers at me.
When accidents happen, you wont understand the guilt I face and the fear I face.
When things go wrong, You're gonna blame me too for not being catious and for not listening.
When you raise your voice at me because what I did was risky, you said you fear I will get into an accident.
SO WHY PUT BOTH YOU AND ME THROUGH THIS?
DON'T YOU GET IT?? I'M JUST A BEGINNER. You cant expect someone who is a beginner to be doing advance stuff.
Just LEAVE ME ALONE and things will be okay.

Its been a tiring Saturday yesterday, Lord. The guilt still live within in. I really hope this is the last that happen. If it do happen again in the next few months to come, I doubt I will want to try again, Its too scary and daunting AND I really don't need to feel this way. A weekend that supposed to be relaxing and enjoyable, turned out to be a frightful one for me. I really want to throw my hands up and say I surrender but I know its not gonna happen.

I can't believe I shed tears because of you.
Its a waste of my time, energy and effort.
How I wish I could break up with you
And never meet again
But I know I will still be haunted by you.
I know you will etch yourself in my mind and never to disappear
You'll linger there for a long time
And you'll give me nightmares.

My goodness! You are crazy, Pearl. How long does it take for you to write a decent piece of essay when you already have a draft that looks like an essay sitting on front of you!??!! Hello woman! better start writing. You need to start on your other subjects!

Having my uncle here is the closest thing that can get to home.. Its of kind of strange I'm having this feeling but I'm thankful and happy that he is here even though this means I may have to replan my schedule for study.