Do not judge

I have quite a number of thoughts and feelings going on now but I dont know how to best describe it. All I know is I dont think I'm satisfied with who I am right now.

Hello God,

I've one request this Easter..
Take me to Easterland, will You?? :)

??

1) I'm getting really exhausted (not physically)
2) I'm glad for the upcoming break. I need time alone with You amidst all other things going on.
3) I'm somehow glad but yet apprehensive to move on
4) My inner mechnism is too complicated for me to understand why i react certain ways
5) I'm reminded today of how much I hate conflict and cannot seperate my thoughts from it.

Can't be away for long

Hello God,

I owe you this post and my heartfelt thanks for revealing how much You loved and remembered me even when I strayed away and choose to lead life my own way. I can say this is one of the lowest spiritual downfall I've been through. Being indifferent is the worse emotion one can feel in this circumstance. Though its a slow process to get back up and going, being away from a community of friends who could build and pick me up when I fall makes it even harder to return back to You but You definitely have a way with me. You know my soft spot and You know how I'm like, thankfully. Thank You for what I felt and experienced on sat during mass. It was a magical moment. You changed and moved me quietly and gently. Looking at the cross reminded me of how much you loved me and how much you are willing to go through for me. No one can go through what You've been through for the name of love, definitely. The songs sung during mass also emphasize your everlasting love. Love was definitely the theme on sat.

You know, I really had no idea how to rebuild the r/s I had with You after sliding all the way down to pit bottom but one thing I forgot is you still had a string attached on me which is connected to you. You were pulling the string upwards when i was sliding downwards. You were always there. I've nothing great to offer to You this season of lent but I offer You my broken spirit and heart. Take it and use it as You will. This lent will be journey for me to slowly return back to you. To rebuild this relationship again. I hope this is sufficient for You. :)

Photo from http://www.google.com.sg/imglanding?q=God+hugging+a+child&um=1&hl=en&rlz=1T4ASUT_enSG415SG416&tbs=isch:1&tbnid=DKuxuLIzDGgCSM:&imgrefurl=http://doanetiger.blogspot.com/2010_04_01_archive.html&imgurl=http://internetpaul.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/child-of god.gif&ei=S8CRTdmJCYKmvgOY1NXxBw&zoom=1&w=386&h=297&iact=hc&oei=F8CRTcfFLobovQOFyKTzBw&page=3&tbnh=169&tbnw=210&start=41&ndsp=14&ved=1t:429,r:6,s:41&biw=1345&bih=503

hello?

Are You trying to tell me something?? Somehow I really think you are because you're sending those beloved friends of mine with similiar problems to me. Not 1 but a few.. Maybe you're trying to tell me that if my circumstance is different, i wouldnt be able to love and care as much as i can right now... hmmm. whatever it is, help me to love others as You have loved them.

I know i've been struggling with certain issues of late and a rather cranky being but I dont know the real reason behind it. whatever reasons that are being mentioned are all speculative and not definite. Its hard when you want to be be the best you can be but for some unknown reason(s), held back.

Yippy!

Depsite not sleeping for the whole entire night to stay up to do my essay which is only due next week, I'm feeling so relieved and happy! I got the bulk of the essay done! All i need to do now is to reference and vet through over andover again! Thank you, Lord for seeing me through the night! YAY!!!!

random

A reminder that we are made from ashes and to ashes we shall return... that aside, Psych lecture today was about emotions. The lecturer made us do the laughter exercise and told us that if we feed off more positive energy, we will in turn be more postive and happier. If we are stuck in a depressive environment with lots of negative feelings in the air, we will in turn feel negative. I guess that is why I've been in an emotional mess lately. Firstly, the essays and impending presentations are driving everyone nuts. I've been breathing and surviving on negative air which affects me as well. Secondly, a dear friend of mine returned  back to sg. I thought it wouldnt have an effect on me but i come to realise that it affected me quite a bit. Its been "lonelier", quieter and definitely different without her. its no doubt why i'll feel more miserable. Though I know its not an excuse to feel down and unhappy but i've to acknowledge that I've succumbed to such situations and have been affected by it. A lot of thinking have made me worst as well. Time to do something about it.

O Master, grant that I may never seek
So much to be consoled as to console
To be understood as to understand
To be loved as to love with all my soul...

Totally seeking the wrong things now man.

It suck to know I've reduced to this state
Its disheartening to know how dull i've become
Once a follower of optimism
but now a believer of the otherwise.

I need to be aware of the dangers this will entail
I need to acknowlwdge what effect this will have on others
I need to seperate my mood from my actions, words and deeds.
I need healing and I need a miracle.

Psychology, you're interesting but you suck as well!!

Ramblings

I realise I have been rambling about essays or at least my thoughts were about essays in the last 2 post or so. The end of February is really something I can't say I'm looking forward to. March promise nothing but a hectic and tiredsome one. Deadlines, test, presentations and performance. I know this is nothing as compared to what I had to go through before but this time situations and things changes. I dont want to just go through the motion for the sake of going through. I want to do well or more so, I NEED to do well. Everyone has put in so much effort to bring me to where I am today. I can't let all that go to waste. It's really a constant tug of war going through my head. I'm afraid and fearful that I'm not putting in enough effort to hit bullseye or to aim around the rim of it. It is during this moment where I really wanna go running to Him but feel inadequate and to a certain extent, shameful. It seems that I always turn to Him when i need someone to affirm me things are gonna be fine and that He is looking after matters for me so long as I do what I can do. However, I do not place him among my top priorities when things are going well. Its really disgusting to know such are my actions towards Someone who loved me so despite my iniquities. If I were You, I certainly would have abandon this person but thanks to your faithfulness I somehow know that I'm still being watched over by You. Though I know I said this many times, I'm really sorry and I really need You now.